i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
