you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?