Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
