break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
