I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
