you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
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