Cold hands, warm shart.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
