I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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