Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
