Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
