Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
