his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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