guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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