I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
