dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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