I CAN MOONWALK!
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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