I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
