ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
