Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
