I think scott just propositioned me for sex
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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