Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
