The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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