So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
