If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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