It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
