I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
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The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
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Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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