I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
