I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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