If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
