Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
