No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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