seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
