the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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