She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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