I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
