I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
