I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
