my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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