??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
