Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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