Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
