I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
you made out with another girl for some wings
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
