Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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