I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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