didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
