Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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