Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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