We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
