You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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