I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
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my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
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Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.