hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
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Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
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You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.