I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been