Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."