no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...