Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
