I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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