Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
