I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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