I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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