Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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