Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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