My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
