I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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