Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
