dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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