Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
